THE LAST WILL AND TESTAMENT OF JAKOB KRISTIAN HANSEN

(not necessarily accurate; as I become older and older, the disutility of thinking seriously about my death lessens, and thus this document will become more and more reflective of my actual wishes as time goes on.)

First of all, we’ll have to discuss who gets my stuff:

Any chat logs found on my computer become property of the other party to the conversation; for any group chats, each party gets a copy.

My school papers and notes are to be auctioned off to the highest bidder. (Or, more likely in this case, the person willing to take them away for the least amount of money.)

Michael Cates receives all my non-Vassals compositions written after 2005. He also receives my iPod. I wish I could give him my piano, but I can’t. Oh, but he does get my copy of the New Oxford Book of Carols. If he promises to use it.

William Ramsey receives the rights to Vassals on the Loose and any other operetta-related things we may have written. If he so wishes, he can dig through the piles of my past papers to find these things. Or he can just be satisfied with the Word and Finale files.

Andrew Kurth receives all memorabilia relating to the fiasco that was Tigagech, as well as any of my voluntary writings previous to 2006.

Taylor Kerby gets anything he wants. That’s right, he can override anyone’s bequest listed here. But I’m sure he won’t. He’s just too nice.

Leah Francis gets my laptop. I think she also gets ownership of my blog.

My pecuniary assets will be completely liquidated, placed in $1 bills, and given out one by one to unsuspecting individuals. There will be a 10% margin of error for graft and embezzlement, if you absolutely must have some of my money.

If you aren’t listed here and you want something else that’s not listed here, talk to Taylor about it. And don’t be offended that you aren’t listed here. I may not have anything concrete from my relationship with you, but you can still have a piece of me.


My funeral will be joyous and lively. Crying on the day of my death is expressly forbidden. There shall be a 10,000 voice choir which will perform works by Ligeti, Messiaen, Bach, Beethoven, and Brahms, ending with Mozart’s Requiem. This will take a long time, so members of the choir can take individual breaks if needed. Beyond that, it should be a simple, refined affair. Follow the standard LDS funeral form, but keep in mind that anyone crying will be forcibly removed from the room, including speakers. And don’t give me any of this “tears of joy” nonsense. Two words: NO CRYING.