My Institute teacher

I still don't know his name. But he has a Canadian accent.
He often says very strange things, but no one seems to notice. Here are a few:

• If you notice a baby with a dirty diaper, it is unconditionally your responsibility to change it.


• Without the atonement, our bodies would not be able to heal.


• Olive oil is pure.


• Nephi had a girlfriend.


• We should rampantly speculate about what happened during the vision of the Tree of Life.


• The daughter of Ishmael who pleaded with Laman and Lemuel probably married Laman or Lemuel.

Am I alone in considering these things rather strange and unsupported by the scriptures?

I'm ahead of Leah.

I've written 16 blog posts so far this year, and she has written 9. And now I'm writing this one to a) rub it in and b) bump that total up to 17.

Worst church song ever

Our Father has a family. It's me! [Wowee!]
It's you, all others too: we are His children.
He sent each one of us to earth, through birth, [Yes, we know. You know how to rhyme! Good job. Now go sit back down at your desk and practice your addition.]
To live and learn here in fam'lies.

(chorus)
God gave us families to help us become what He wants us to be—
This is how He shares His love, for the fam'ly is of God [Wait. You can't refrain from gratuitous rhyming in the verses, but you can't even manage to have one pair of rhyming words in the chorus?]

A father's place is to preside, provide,
To love and teach the gospel to his children. [Does he love the gospel or his children?]
A father leads in fam'ly prayer to share [Wait, must he? Mine frequently doesn't.]
Their love for Father in Heaven.

(chorus)

A mother's purpose is to care, prepare,
To nurture and to strengthen all her children. [Sounds like what we bless our food to do...]
She teaches children to obey, to pray,
To love and serve in the fam'ly.

(chorus)

I'll love and serve my family and be
A good example to each fam'ly member.
And when I am a mom or dad, so glad, [Wait. A mom OR dad? I can choose which one I be? Whoa...]
I'll help my fam'ly remember:

(chorus)

One possible way out of our state's budget mess

Arizona, by constitutional limitation, can't borrow more than $350,000 to make up a deficit. But it can borrow money to fund the suppression of an insurrection. So if college students really want deficit spending to keep up education funding, all they have to do is rebel against the state government, and they'll get all the deficit spending they want.

A letter to the editor

We college students are fond of protests. From the pro-life rally a few days ago to the Prop 8 turmoil last year, we're more than happy to march up and down the street about whatever gets our blood boiling. And nothing gets us angrier than when our money is threatened. Hence the absurdly hyperbolic warnings like "40% = Death" and "This budget cut will make Arizona a third-world nation." (Does Michael Crow have the slightest idea what a third-world nation looks like?) We all know that cutting education funding is suicidal, and that the legislature needs to come up with another plan.

There's just one problem: there's not much else to cut. Education expenses make up the majority of the Arizona General Fund. Other major contributors include the Department of Corrections, the Department of Economic Security, and AHCCCS. Should we impose major cuts on those categories of the budget? Wouldn't taking 40% out of the Department of Corrections' budget also equal death? Wouldn't reducing funding for unemployment benefits also make Arizona a third-world nation? Wouldn't reducing funding for Arizona's already cash-strapped Medicaid program also be suicidal?

Maybe we could just raise taxes. As if taking $2 billion more out of the public's pockets during a major recession weren't suicidal.

Perhaps, as Andrew Hedlund believes, Arizona should be able to run a deficit to continue funding these programs during hard economic times. But repealing the current constitutional restriction against deficits is impossible to do in time for the budget to be completed. Not only would the measure have to be pushed through the House and Senate, but a special election would have to be held. However, this election cannot take place less than 90 days after the proposed amendment is made public.

No one wants their budget cut. But cuts must come. They will come. Perhaps we are justified in protesting this particular proposal, but abrasive, exaggerated complaints aren't likely to get us anywhere. While the proposed cuts may be too large, some cuts must come. Reality is against us. So let's steel our guts, breathe deeply, and take the necessary cuts with dignity.

Sincerely,
Jakob Hansen
Undergraduate

Al Jazeera vs. The Onion

Coincidence?

A sent email

Dr. Bush,

I would not have asked about the course had I not thought there were room for me. There are 53 seats open in the course, and a nearly commensurate number in the sightsinging recitations.

While I have resigned myself to not taking MTC221 this semester, I respectfully submit that you reconsider this policy. I fully understand the purpose of the restrictions in ensuring that music majors can take the classes required for their degrees. But this can be solved by allowing them to register for these classes first, and allowing other students to register when it becomes evident that there is room for them. To allow non-majors to fill in excess capacity would not hurt anyone.

I now also consider this matter closed; I simply felt I needed to suggest this. Thank you for your good wishes.

Sincerely,
Jakob Hansen

An unsent (thus far) email

Dear Ms. Vincent:

Pardon me, but this policy is ridiculous. According to my official ASU transcript, I have credit for MTC125. There are 50 seats open in the MTC221 lecture, and several sight-singing recitations are still open. There is no rational basis for my exclusion from MTC221.

To exclude non-music majors from the majority of music classes reeks of a parochial elitism—of course those who choose not to major in music should be kept away from the real musicians. They don't deserve to learn about music theory, musicology, or solo performance. Let's keep these uncircumcised masses away from our sacred music courses.

I'm not a math major, but I can take advanced math classes. I'm not a physics major, but I can take advanced physics classes. I'm not a Spanish major, but I can take advanced Spanish classes. Why should music classes be any different?

One of the reasons I decided to attend a large university like ASU was that I would be able to explore the vast world of intellectual pursuits. From economics to philosophy to music theory, I would be able to sample it. I did not know then that the School of Music adhered to such absurd, self-centric policies.

Sincerely,
Jakob Hansen
A Livid Student


ORIGINAL MESSAGE:

Dear Jakob,

Music courses are not open to non-majors. Your test scores and any transfer music credits will be evaluated after you have applied to the School of Music and successfully passed an audition.

Although you would like to get a head start on music theory, this is never permitted. The only class you may take as a non-music major is MUP 100, Concert Attendance. Six semesters of Concert Attendance are required for all music degrees. You may also enroll in ensembles; these may also count toward your music degree.

Feel free to contact me if you have further questions.

Thank you,

Margie Vincent
Coordinator, Academic Affairs
Herberger College School of Music

A good teacher knows when to shut up

Last night I had my family pretend to be investigators as I taught the first missionary lesson. I learned a few things:

• Young children aren't good at pretending not to know about the church


• The first missionary lesson is really not a good place to start teaching someone


• A good teacher knows when to shut up

A good teacher knows when to shut up. He or she knows what material he needs to teach the class, and doesn't teach ANY MORE. No confusing tangents, no matter how interesting they might be to the instructor. They're not helpful, and they're not teaching.

Threnody to the Victims of Hiroshima. Or, Porter James is awesome.

I was reminded today how much I like modern music.

I decided that I would go to Red Mountain to ask Mr. J for a recommendation letter for the School of Music. This I did in the most inefficient way possible, taking all day. And I still have to send him another copy of the form. So, a very productive day.

Anyways, during lunch Taylor Kerby told Michael that he should write music with Porter James. Michael took this into consideration and, in 6th hour music theory, broached the subject. Porter responded by talking about his Music Theory project—he had written a twelve-tone row and harmonized it according to Baroque voice-leading rules. I thought it was awesome. Michael listened to the music for about 30 seconds before shuddering and tearing the headphone from his ear. Somehow, I don't think Michael will be collaborating with Porter in the near future.

But Porter is awesome. He listens to music like Penderecki's Threnody to the Victims of Hiroshima. How cool is that? I hadn't even listened to the whole thing until today, and that only thanks to ASU's subscription to the Naxos music library. And he writes twelve-tone music.

In conclusion, Porter is awesome, modern music is awesome, and this seems like a blog post Michael would write.

My basement is a magical place, full of interesting things

Like this:

It's the score to a musical by that master composer Lex de Azevedo. Here's the table of contents:

Take a gander at these lyrics:
How can I know how far I can go before my first date?
I think I should know.
How can I know how far I can go before my first kiss?
I really should know.
Should I take his hand and politely follow his lead?
Or do I refuse him?
And say that I need some small reassurance of his proper respect.
A coat in the mud or a sword for protection.
Three chapter ones should suit me quite nicely.
A light on the porch when we're home at precisely
nine oh two.
...
when he says, "Come on babe." Do I have to say no?
Can't I go along once for a dangerous ride?
...
[spoken] Solomon: Now just remember, your virtue is more precious than rubies and pearls.
Debbie: Yeah, but Ruby and Pearl have a lot more fun, you know what I mean?

[a different song now]
It's an answer for a million circumstance of the sort where you can't make up your mind which way to go.
...say No!
...
He wants a little action but to his dissatisfaction you simply tell him where to go

[another song]
Elder Packer, you're a man a girl can trust.

[one more]
If someone really cared the world would stop.
But please don't let it end, oh please don't let it end before I drink my soda pop!
...
If someone really cared I would be spaced.
Might even want to join the human race.

[the last one I'm quoting]
Have you heard, have you heard, have you heard what they're wearin'?
Have you heard what they're wear-in' at Poly High?
Can I get one, mama? Please, mama. It's gonna make me popular!

Did I mention that this was written in 1981? I could see something like this for an attempt in the 1960s to talk with teens, but not the 1980s. This is just terminally, hilariously lame.

Not to mention that the score does not include the dialogue, so I have no idea what the musical is actually about. Bonus points if you come up with a story that fits the song titles and lyrics here.

Taxes

Public goods schmublic goods. I didn't consume $500 worth of public goods from the federal government this year. But that's apparently what I owe them for this service. Or so says TurboTax.

Michael's Uncle Timmy says that Michael shouldn't owe anything. Michael says this logically means that I shouldn't pay taxes either. But here are a few reasons I might owe taxes and Michael might not:

• Michael lives on his own. He is not a dependent.


• Michael's savings are hidden away so that he can get more financial aid.


• Michael doesn't have income reported on a form 1099-MISC, which is classified as business income. Apparently, that jacks its tax rate up to something like 25%, regardless of my tax bracket. (Great incentive to form small businesses there, Congress.)

Anyway, I'm annoyed, ticked, peeved, irritated, and angry. MY PARENTS pay a smaller percentage of their income in taxes than I owe.

And then there's the absolute idiocy of taxing me on a transfer payment FROM THE GOVERNMENT. That's just inefficient.

Eww

I just went to go grab my toothbrush, and there was a gigantic bug on it. And it wasn't any kind of bug I had ever seen. This was a shiny black beetle with red highlights. Needless to say I got a new toothbrush.

Incidentally, am I the only one who finds that his toothbrushes are useless for brushing long before the indicator bristles fade?

Tragedy envy

Long ago, (long enough that I cannot remember the context) I saw a woman (at least I think it was a woman) give a presentation about her family. She started with herself and her husband, and proceeded with all of their children. This was accompanied by a projected image of the family that kept adding children. Until one fateful moment in the presentation. Two of the children (I think twins) tragically died. And they were turned into ghostly images of themselves in the picture. This was a horrible, awful, occurrence, but all I could think was "Wouldn't it be AWESOME if something like that happened to my family?"

I'm sure I would hate it if it actually happened to me, but I find myself jealous of people who have undergone great tragedies. Or even small ones. My life is really, really cushy. I am not impoverished. I have a functional family. I have no serious medical problems. I am decently mentally capable. I have no legitimate complaints about life, and I think that's what bugs me. I want the personal authority that, justly or unjustly, comes from surviving a great tragedy. I want the forced maturity that those who experience superlative grief gain. I want the ability to dismiss others' pain as less than my own.

I want it all. But without actually getting hurt, please? Is that too much to ask?

iPod notes redux

I've accumulated a bunch more notes, so I thought I'd put them here for the whole world to see. No, I don't know why. By the way, here is the last conglomeration of such notes.

• Sisters:
  Elizabeth - slave
  Jane - drowned
  Anne - cholera


• Who said Mary was a teenager?


• What girls are supposed to look like?


• If God forgot our sins we would have greater knowledge than him. Thus His forgetting sins must refer to a process of his choosing not to let the knowledge of those sins influence his actions.


• Happy thanksgiving!
  From,
  Kessianne.h


• Council proposing drastic changes - status quo unsustainable
  
  Brady
  Memo
  New service delivery mechanisms
  15% shortfall in sales taxes
  5 million budget loss
  [blah blah blah]
  Depts of public safety have not been cut--70% of expenditures. THEY WILL Be!
  [blah blah blah]
  Crosstrain construction inspectors for code compliance
  [blah blah blah]
  Budget powerpoint


• Look up George Root in Latter-Day Hymns


• Talk on wresting the scriptures


• Hymn 22
  Between lines 2 and 3 changes from GM to G7 forcing reevaluation of tonic and putting a break in the musical thought.


• Utilitarian approach to conversion in BoM--Korihor, Laban


• If I weren't numb, I'd be talking.
  
  I need pens but they're cheaper at costco.
  
  The gauze moved out of place.
  
  
  But my mouth is full of blood.
  
  We could have done this a lot faster at waslgreens
  


• Whatever NATION shall posess it. America is not a nation. It is a polity. Scriptural loophole?
  

I no longer have any qualms about applying for Federal student aid

because it looks like I'm going to end up paying taxes. You'd think that our government, for all it talks about helping students and encouraging education, would at least have the common courtesy to refrain from taxing them.

So I'm filling me out a FAFSA and I'm milking the system for all the grants it's got. I might even take out some subsidized student loans and deposit them in interest-bearing accounts. Take that, Federal government!

The folk music of elementary school

You all remember the songs. My younger siblings recently reminded me of one of my favorites:

Deck the halls with gasoline
Light a match and watch it gleam
Watch the house burn down to ashes
Aren't you glad I play with matches?

I loved this song when I was in elementary school; it was a guilty pleasure. Not so much because I was a rebellious punk (though I suppose I was to some extent), but it was just so gleefully subversive of the original song. And yet it fit perfectly with the music. In any event, I was then acquainted with a variant form of the song:

Deck the halls with gasoline
Light a match and watch it gleam
Smash a window, pop a tire
Set the old man's pants on fire

This one didn't sit so well with me. It seemed far more malicious. The first only destroys my own house, but the second is the theme song of a sociopathic criminal. Especially attacking the old man. And their version of the first replaced "house" with "school," making it more like a song I can't fully remember, but which included lines like this:

Hiding behind the door with a loaded Forty-four
Our troops are marching on!

and which involved killing the teacher repeatedly with escalating forms of weaponry.

Anyways, this variant made me think of these songs as folksongs—they're not written by any one person, they're created by the collective contributions of various children within the school and transferred orally. These are the true folksongs of our time, not the lame stuff created by people like Woody Guthrie and Bob Dylan.

Things found in my basement: artificial vegetable edition

Taylor Kerby gave me an awesome Christmas present. It was so good I opened it at 2 AM. Apparently he searched far and wide within the aisles of Goodwill, and found a priceless heirloom.

However, he decided not to get that, and instead got me this baby:





It's a GLASS EGGPLANT! Is that not awesome? (The correct answer is no, it is not not awesome.)

I feel horrible for not having gotten him anything, especially when this is such an awesome gift.

Oh, in case you're wondering, it's a play on the term egghead. Apparently I am one or something like that.