Nauvoo Pageant (rehearsals), day 2

It all runs together. I have a hard time remembering what was today and what was yesterday and what was in that third day that had to have gotten in there somewhere because it all seems too long ago to have been today but I'm pretty sure it wasn't yesterday.

Anyway. This morning began with a "morningside" at which the mission presidency and temple presidency regaled us with spiritual thoughts, mostly relevant to their respective callings. I wanted to fall asleep. Something about the Nauvoo chapel is intensely soporific; I couldn't stay awake during Sacrament Meeting either. Then we moved to the grove of trees near the pageant stage, where we were told to drink water (two quarts a day), to not get lost or leave stuff lying around, to drink water (and/or Gatorade), to not die of heatstroke, to drink water, what to do in event of a tornado warning (go to an open area and lie down), not to walk through the grove at night, and to drink water. Then we had district meetings. Jarett refused to pray, the little bugger.

After taking absolutely FOREVER doing those things, we FINALLY got on stage at about 10:30 AM. And what did we do? I can't remember. I think we pretended to do the welcome dance. Oh, and we practiced meeting the Woodruffs arriving from yonder far off lands and carrying their luggage for them. And stuff about watching the Prophet. And exploding on stage. Then we ate lunch.

Thence we went to the high school for more rehearsal not in the sunlight but in an air-conditioned gymnasium. We tried to learn a long complex dance scene culminating with the Highland Fling. I didn't do so well at it. Then I got fitted for a costume. I GET A CRAVAT! IT IS AWESOME! But my pants are kind of tight. Then we went to eat dinner. But not only did we leave a little late due to the costume fitting, but my parents saw fit to visit some sort of extremely small farmer's market, leaving us with even less time. So when we got back to the condo it was a desperate race to consume enough calories to get through the rest of the night. This was at roughly 5:30, by the way. It had already been an eternity since I woke up.

We went back to the stage for our 6:00 rehearsal. Our family gets to falsify sickness while the Apostles come around and heal us. Jorgen and I get to lay out a long, wide burgundy ribbon representing Young Street after entering from upstage left. This fact they drilled into our heads. Street-throwing, as they call it, is an art. Then we marched in a parade. With guns. Well, fake guns anyway. And then it was over. Apparently we've learned half the pageant now.

On a side note, DEET is lame. Icaridin is way better.

Nauvoo Pageant (rehearsals), day 1

Today began our Nauvoo pageant participation, though logistics and meetings consumed most of it. After registering early in the morning, we attended a get-to-know-you social event, where we didn't really get to know anyone. (I find that these things don't really work; it's doing whatever it is you're supposed to do together that really acquaints you.) We were introduced to some of the logistics of the pageant pre-show, had lunch, and then listened to some devotional material presented by the mission president and our artistic director. We then met our district leaders. Each district is headed by a main character in the pageant; ours is led by the people portraying Heber C. Kimball and Vilate Kimball (weird name, I know). They are very nice people, genuinely caring and excited to be there. We actually got somewhat acquainted with them and the other few people in our district (our family composed the bulk of it) and then had dinner and FHE. We came back for our very first actual rehearsal at 7. What followed was two hours of blocking and choreography. Thankfully, it was already mostly determined and things went very smoothly. At the beginning of the pageant, I get to run in from upstage, jump over a trunk, grab a girl standing atop said trunk and lift her down, then run to go watch an arm-wrestling competition, all in about 20 seconds. We went further, learning the entire opening dance, and then we learned a line dance for some other part of the show. At the end, I was informed that I was to be a "ruffian" when called upon, who would prey upon the Prophet Joseph. This was just after a bunch of others were informed that they were to portray apostles. And now I'm home.

Er,

Are we supposed to have a testimony of Scouting? I certainly don't. Apparently this brother does. Sigh for testimony meeting.

Three grand keys by which the correct nature of Jakob Hansen's reaction to a lesson may be known

1 There are two kinds of Sunday School lessons in church, namely: those which Jakob likes—
2 For instance, that one time we went through and actually talked about the scriptures and he had a number of insights.
3 Secondly: those which he is ambivalent about. (Those which he dislikes are not true lessons.)
4 When you teach a lesson, watch his reaction carefully.
5 If he doth close or cover his eyes, bow his head, and massage his temples as though teachest, ye may know that what thou teachest is ill-considered, unreasonable, or poorly thought out. Please revise your thoughts.
5 If he hath a vaguely pleased countenance, sits back, and contemplates, thy lesson doth contain insight and he doth like it. Good job.
6 If he openeth a notebook or his iPod and beginneth to write, all bets are off. He may be doodling, making fun of you, or recording insights from your lesson. Good luck telling which.
7 These are three grand keys whereby ye may know whether any lesson pleases Jakob Hansen.

(Apologies to Joseph Smith and D&C 129)

On demand when price equals zero

The City of Mesa Library allows patrons to check out CulturePasses—free tickets for a museum or other educational/cultural location. At first they just threw them all out there and let the patrons go on a feeding frenzy.

Then, beginning May 20th, they decided that they would put out a certain number at the beginning of each day, to ensure that everyone had an opportunity to get a CulturePass.

Now, beginning June 15th, they will put CulturePasses out at random times each day, again to ensure that everyone has an opportunity to get a CulturePass.

I predict that next, the library will allow each patron to enter a lottery for the CulturePasses.

That's not awkward

On a whim, I ran this blog through a website that gives it an MPAA rating. I got this:



Why? I used the word "sex" once, the word "missionary" four times, and the word "shoot" ten times.

A brief history of Vassals on the Loose, part II

Part I.

When we last left our protagonists, their operetta was beginning to take a definite form. We had the two main groups of characters, and a general idea of how they would interact. The Barbarians, having moved to England for no particular reason, had decided to make a peace offering to the British Vassals. Unfortunately, due to their yokelish naivete, they planned this offering to be one of weapons, a dangerous present to the bloodthirsty Brits. This culminated in a battle scene containing some of my proudest lyrical accomplishments. I was able to plagiarize from not just one, but TWO of my favorite humor writers in creating a chant for the British.

Shoot me, shoot me, shoot me,
GO BRITS!
Shoot me, shoot me, shoot me,
GO BRITS!
...

"Shoot me, shoot me, shoot me" came from one of Scott Adams' books; he described the American victory in the Revolutionary War as due to the fact that the British marched around in straight lines chanting "Shoot me." "GO BRITS" I lifted from Dave Barry. This was one of the phrases that the British soldiers supposedly formed when marching to battle. (The Hessians, of course, had huge problems with this, as they were German and had to translate said phrase into comically long German words.) I am still incredibly proud of that chant.

We hadn't yet come up with a conclusion to the battle, and this turned out to be one of the most volatile parts of the operetta. Indeed, the battle was originally unscripted, centering around a musical background. We slowly added more and more dialogue and sung lines until it became a full act in itself. We still couldn't find an appropriate conclusion, though we tried various methods of reaching an agreement between the two sides. One involved a song sung to the tune of Handel's Hallelujah Chorus with the lyrics

Epilepsy! Epilepsy!
Epilepsy! Epilepsy! Epilehehepsy!
[I think you get the drift]

You really don't want to know why.

Meanwhile, we fleshed out the initial relationships between the Vassals and Barbarians. This is where our true absurdist genius came in. We had roughly a page and a half of dialogue between two equally dysfunctional characters who really don't know what they're doing. One of my favorite parts comes when Hector, the Barbarian Chief, describes a package of weapons to King Henry:

Hector: That comes with a caboose.
George: A caboose??
Hector: Oh, no, not a caboose. Oh, what do you call it, a. . . a . . . Oh, yes, a ballista piloted by one of these 3 fair maids.
[maids appear dressed in bright red dresses and covered with grease]
Maiden the first: YO [very masculine voice]
Maiden the second: YO! YO! [even more masculine voice}
Maiden the third: YO! YO! YO! [really masculine voice]

I initially balked at the "covered with grease" line, choosing to redact it to "doing aerobics," but it has grown on me. Something about it is simply unparalleled in its absurdity.

The basic form of the play now complete (we also added a fourth act showing their lives after the battle), we were now free in our adolescent hubris to pursue the production of this inestimable piece of art.