Every once in a while I have to do a math problem that for some reason I simply can't fathom. I pound away at it for hours, typically realizing that the problem was much simpler than I was trying to make it. I used this sheet of paper while trying to work out a couple of Linear Algebra problems on Wednesday. Half computation and half doodling, they show my approach to problem solving.
I'd like you all to meet Fred.
Fred is the guy who narrates everyone's Facebook statuses. He sits in the cloud all day, doing the tedious work of informing everyone of what you are doing. Fred's is a thankless job, but he never gives up. He keeps slogging along, no matter how tired he is or how ticked at his wife.
Sure, he messes things up once in a while. Or at least we think he does. Like when someone says "Sanjay Telemann is going to the store with my brother." We think Sanjay just messed up and should have said "his." But the truth is, Sanjay's going to the store with Fred's brother. Just think about how Fred feels about that. He's stuck up there in the cloud while every single member of his family and all his friends go do fun things with people whose statuses Fred writes. You'd think Fred would give himself a break once in a while and write himself into your status, but he's too nice. He's happy enough just to do his job, working all day and all night just to make you happy.
Next time you change your Facebook status, be sure to thank Fred. Without him, none of this would be possible.
My favorite brand of toothpaste is Colgate. It comes in a very nice tube, with a fancy flippy-type cap instead of something I have to unscrew every time. It's pure white, so it doesn't turn into weird-colored foam when I brush my teeth. It doesn't dry out my mouth like some toothpastes. But best of all is the taste. No toothpaste tastes better than Colgate. It's just that great regular flavor, y'know? It's the most normal thing in the world, the flavor of Colgate. The tube even says so: "Great Regular Flavor!" it announces. I find it reassuring that my toothpaste has no pretensions to being extraordinary. It simply wishes to be as regular as possible.
And it succeeds. Whenever I just want to feel average, I go and brush my teeth. I know the great regular flavor of the Colgate will efface all my worries and pains. Scrubbing my teeth, tasting that exquisite normalcy, feeling the absolute ordinariness of the mounting foam, my tension and stress melt away in sheer mundanity. Sometimes I don't even bother with the toothbrush and instead squeeze mounds of that bland paste directly into my mouth so that I don't have to wait a single second for the unremarkable sensation of that great regular flavor.
I don't know what I would do if not for my stash of 200 tubes of Colgate. I sometimes go through two or three a day. I have nightmares where I run out and sometimes have to go as long as two hours without that unexceptionally minty freshness. When I wake up, sweating profusely, I throw on some clothes and rush to buy more of that intensely average elixir.
I used to hide it. I was ashamed of my love of the ordinary. The exotic, ecstatic ordinary. No more. I will shout it to the world: The great regular flavor of Colgate sustains me! I eat it by the spoonful! It makes a great hair gel! Deodorant too! I bathe with it! An ice cream topping! Butter substitute! Cake frosting! House paint! Industrial adhesive! I LOVE COLGATE!
There was a YSA broadcast tonight, and my parents strongly encouraged (read: ordered) me to go. I tried to get Taylor Kerby to go with me, but he was lame and wasn't dressed and wanted to read the Qu'ran instead. So I went alone, which is really lame.
I tried to sit by myself, but our ward's sole RM also came alone and had no one else to sit next to, so he sat by me. I took fairly copious notes, but I did it on my iPod so it looked like I was texting the entire time. I was proud of myself: I only checked my Facebook maybe five times during the whole fireside!
Here follows a summary of my notes, often verbatim.
The broadcast began with a random montage of people giving service. It looked like it might be part of some Mormon ad, but no, it just cut straight from that to the Mariott Center.
"Elder Uchtdorf will be introduced later as this evening's speaker." Dang. You totally ruined the surprise for me.
The organist's name is Tom Sawyer. lol.
At least the conductor can lead music. Often they can't. But he does look like the gay kid on Glee, except with glasses.
There are people singing the song in sign language. Or maybe they're just being very inappropriate and acting out the words. "Eyes that are wet now ere long will be tearless."
The institute choir singing for this devotional sounds like an institute choir. I wish our church music programs were more demanding. The audio feed cut out for part of it.
As Pres. Uchtdorf was introduced, he looked straight at the camera and smiled. For a long time. My gosh he's photogenic.
So there was this ugly duckling, see? And his mother at first thought he was somehow a turkey, but when she saw he could swim, she decided he was just really dang ugly. Taunted by the other ducks, he decided to leave, and nearly froze to death when winter came. All alone, he longed to join a majestic group of swans flying overhead, but was afraid they would kill him, because he was ugly. But he decided he didn't care if he died. They didn't kill him. But wait! He's a swan now!
Yeah. We may all seem like ugly outsiders but we're really eternal beings of infinite worth. And it will make sense sometime.
Those who reject revelation and insist on tangible evidence must be agnostic on the issue of premortal and postmortal existence. We have the answers because they have been revealed, not because we have reasoned them out or tested them scientifically. Philosophers would have killed for what we know. I'm sure.
Y'all have many problems. Now I'm gonna answer some of your questions. The hard ones.
Question 1: "I'm unhappy and depressed. Sometimes it seems like the world would be a better place if I were not in it." That's not even a question!
Don't commit suicide. Get help if you're depressed. But if you're not depressed, remember that everyone feels that way.
Shakespeare was wrong. "To be or not to be" is not the question. There is no such dichotomy. Pres. Uchtdorf would rather have Hamlet say "Knowing that I am a child of God, what should I do to fully live up to this potential?"
Don't choose to dampen your thoughts with Zorro!
It is well for you to laugh. Unless you believe the Doctrine and Covenants.
Surf your fellow man together.
Question 2: "I'm so lonely. Will I ever find my soulmate?"
That whole story about a woman who finds a genie and asks for world peace, is told that's too hard, then asks for the perfect man, then the genie asks "how about that world peace?"
Yeah. No one's perfect. Quit whining. There is not one right person. I fell in love with my wife the moment I saw her, but if she had married someone else I would have found someone else to marry. President Uchtdorf is sleeping in the garage tonight.
Your only chance to find perfection is to create it together with your spouse, since neither of you will come in perfect.
Once you commit to being married your spouse becomes your soulmate. Your thoughts and actions should turn from looking to creating. That sounds vaguely dirty.
What if you don't get married? Be persistent. I fell in love with Harriet long before she fell in love with me. (Pres. Uchtdorf's a stalker) I was persistent but despaired of convincing her I could be anything more than a friend. And who wants that? So I joined the Air Force and came back. "You have matured," she said, and I married her in a few months. "Aww," says the audience.
Just because you have been rejected one or two times, or three or four, or a couple hundred is no reason to get discouraged.
Find a woman you love and then ask her to marry you.
Women, be gentle. Men, ask.
OMG HANGING OUT IS TEH EVILZ! You should be one on one more often, the better to face temptation.
Don't bother with elaborate dates. Just walk a young lady home from church. I hope you all brought dates to the fireside and are going to walk them home. Your goal is not to get a million views of the video of your date on YouTube.
Some people will never get married. They're totally cool. Pain and despair. Your prayers are heard. In the resurrection the righteous desires of your heart will be fulfilled. Don't wonder whether you're defective. Just do good stuff.
Question 3: "Can I remain faithful?"
What does that even mean? You mean not sin? Or not doubt? I'll answer both just in case.
So sin. There's an intertropical convergence between South America and Africa. There are huge thunderstorms moving across the equator. They look pretty. But if you're a pilot, you avoid them. Within them are huge chunks of hail and lightning.
It should be the same when you see things that can cause spiritual harm (LIKE PORNOGRAPHY) Temptation wouldn't be temptation if it weren't appealing. (LIKE PORNOGRAPHY) Some choices lead to disaster (LIKE PORNOGRAPHY) so choose the right. Pornography is evil. (LIKE PORNOGRAPHY) Bad. Avoid, avoid, avoid. (LIKE PORNOGRAPHY) Don't assume you can put the nose of the plane just inside the thunderstorm. (THAT SOUNDS VAGUELY DIRTY)
So doubt. How do you find out if the gospel is true. Is it all right to have doubt? We are a question-asking people because we know that inquiry leads to truth. (HALLELUJAH) Revelation comes as a response to questions. God can give us answers to what we asked. And what we should have asked. Questioning is the first step to a testimony. Don't be embarrassed. Just ask with real intent and faith.
Ask questions but doubt not? Not everything will make sense. (Like that) If everything made sense it would be evidence that it was fabricated by a human. (Sure.) Questions can strengthen your testimony rather than shake it. I'm really glad Pres. Uchtdorf is not Bruce R. McConkie. There will always be people telling you you are ugly ducklings. Remember who you are.
The choir tried very hard to avoid saying "help of the helpless Lord" instead of "help of the helpless, Lord" and only succeeded in making it sound awkward. They may have the tone quality of Concert Choir, but at least they're in tune.
Then after the fireside I talked to my cousin briefly and then went home.
