Great regular flavor

My favorite brand of toothpaste is Colgate. It comes in a very nice tube, with a fancy flippy-type cap instead of something I have to unscrew every time. It's pure white, so it doesn't turn into weird-colored foam when I brush my teeth. It doesn't dry out my mouth like some toothpastes. But best of all is the taste. No toothpaste tastes better than Colgate. It's just that great regular flavor, y'know? It's the most normal thing in the world, the flavor of Colgate. The tube even says so: "Great Regular Flavor!" it announces. I find it reassuring that my toothpaste has no pretensions to being extraordinary. It simply wishes to be as regular as possible.

And it succeeds. Whenever I just want to feel average, I go and brush my teeth. I know the great regular flavor of the Colgate will efface all my worries and pains. Scrubbing my teeth, tasting that exquisite normalcy, feeling the absolute ordinariness of the mounting foam, my tension and stress melt away in sheer mundanity. Sometimes I don't even bother with the toothbrush and instead squeeze mounds of that bland paste directly into my mouth so that I don't have to wait a single second for the unremarkable sensation of that great regular flavor.

I don't know what I would do if not for my stash of 200 tubes of Colgate. I sometimes go through two or three a day. I have nightmares where I run out and sometimes have to go as long as two hours without that unexceptionally minty freshness. When I wake up, sweating profusely, I throw on some clothes and rush to buy more of that intensely average elixir.

I used to hide it. I was ashamed of my love of the ordinary. The exotic, ecstatic ordinary. No more. I will shout it to the world: The great regular flavor of Colgate sustains me! I eat it by the spoonful! It makes a great hair gel! Deodorant too! I bathe with it! An ice cream topping! Butter substitute! Cake frosting! House paint! Industrial adhesive! I LOVE COLGATE!